Marriage – The most talked about topic in the entire world after food and sex. For some guys like me, it induces a fear which is similar to the fear of death and it is also justifiable to some extent. It ends your ‘boy-hood’ if you know what I mean. You can’t enjoy the companionship of your best friends. Those night outs drinking till you drop and that subtle feeling of joy when you chat with random women on Facebook. There are a considerable amount of guys out there who do not mind tying the knot as per your parents’ wishes and can’t wait to tap that A@$. If you fall in that category, best of luck! For the rest of us, I know you guys will agree with me when I say that Indian parents are a pain in the buttocks when it comes to the topic of marriage. The ways listed below depends on a lot of factors including your age, difficulty of execution and the urgency of the situation. Without further delay, read on for the ultimate excuses/steps
to execute for stalling the marriage plans.
1.’ I am not settled yet’/ ‘I don’t have enough savings to start a family’
Age range: 23-26 years
Difficulty of Execution: 2 skulls of 5
Urgency: 2 analog clocks of 5
As it’s obvious from the statement, this excuse works 8 out of 10 times. Make sure you have your serious face on and seem sober when making this statement to your parents. If executed correctly, this will get you another 2-
3 years to enjoy your bachelorhood. Add some emotionally stagnant but threatening statements coupled with a cute puppy face like ‘I have a dream and a desire to achieve it; I need some more time papa/mummy’. BOOM!
Your parents will go ‘Awww…’!
2. The ‘Laugh off with a joke’ Stage
Age Range: 25-27 years
Difficulty of execution: 3 skulls of 5
Urgency: 3 analog clocks of 5
This is a time tested and successful trick to get your marriage stalled for another 1-2 years which totally depends on how funny your jokes are. Here’s how you execute the trick. Whenever your folks approach you with a ‘Get
married now beta’ conversation, tell them how much you love them and then a crack a hysterical joke on how the introduction of a stranger woman into your family will be like. You could also try joking about how immature you
are for marriage. Which is totally not true. Phhst…! Conclude it by telling them how much you love them again.
3.The ‘relentless rejection’ Stage
Age range: 26-28 years
Difficulty of execution: 4 skulls of 5
Urgency: 3.5 analog clocks of 5
This is the stage where your profile is completely setup and subscribed to, on matrimonial websites like shaadi.com, communitymatrimony.com, etc. by your parents. Your parents are asking you to go to a good photo studio to
get a decent profile picture clicked so that you may seem a little photogenic even though, a common household fly is more photogenic than you are. Here, the above 2 steps are rendered ineffective. The only thing you can do
is, yes, you guessed it right. Start rejecting those girls and their proposals, if you get any. Even though you might seem like a chauvinistic pig to your parents and the other party in doing this, the good thing in your favor is that
you have as many reasons to reject the girl as many things she has mentioned about herself in her profile. Feel free to drop your rejection bombs for any reason you seem fit. Your motive is to survive. If you need some motivation for doing so, repeat this in your mind in the voice of Amitabh Bachhan: ‘Agnipath, agnipath, aginpath’.
4. The ‘Very busy’ excuse
Age range: 28-30 years
Difficulty of execution: 4.5 skulls of 5
Urgency: 4 analog clocks of 5
For this to happen, your email account should be full of matrimonial profiles of potential brides. These of course have been sent to you by your folks asking you for your suggestion. However, these aren’t really emails asking you your suggestions but more like ‘Make a decision you A-hole!’ email. Here, keep dropping the ‘I am busy with a meeting/work/work related job’ excuse. You may seem a bit distant to your folks here and one of them (especially your mom) will try to convince you with the pros of getting married soon. Also, one of them (especially your mom) will try to emotionally blackmail you with her fear of not being able to see her grand children/great grand children (What!?) if you don’t make that decision soon. The sense of urgency between your folks is increasing but make a stand. Do not fall for those tears. I repeat! DO NOT fall for those tears. This excuse is actually a good reason to being productive at work also. I mean, I know you already are. But there’s always a scope for improvement right? This one may give you around 10 months to a year of grace.
5. The ‘Nose-Picking’ Stage
Age Range: 30-32 years
Difficulty of execution: 5 skulls of 5
Urgency: 5 analog clocks of 5
This is when your life is on the brink of ending. Your parents have started meeting the potential brides’ parents face-to-face. You have started to accompany your parents to these peoples houses and the next thing you know is that she is pouring a cup of tea/coffee (I’d prefer coffee, thanks) for you while your dad and her dad are discussing stock prices and real estate investments and your mom and hers are discussing the detailed embroidery on their respective sarees. Here, execute the ‘Nose-Picking’ strategy. This can be executed in 2 ways. The first and the easy way is to start picking your nose while you are sitting there with every one. This will not only disgust her
folks but also she might herself start puking in disgust. The second and the difficult way to do it is when you and the potential bride are sitting separately, away from your parents. Ask her some questions regarding her
education or hobbies and while she answers your questions, starts picking your nose with a serious ‘I’m listening to you’ face. If she doesn’t seem to be disgusted with that, try picking your nose a second time and pretend to eat
it! You only have to pretend. And make it seem like it was better than the samosas served to you earlier. She will break of the meeting right there and then and the best part is that its one of those reasons that her folks wont tell
your folks about 😉 If she doesn’t mind you eating your nose-picking, she’s a keeper. Enjoy the rest of your lives eating each others booger as recreation or for bonding purposes. This one will give you as much as grace period you want!
So there, I mentioned 5 ways for the various stages to stall your marriage advancement. If you are 34 years and above, get married dude. You’re a great guy and you should be contributing to the gene pool. You shouldn’t be wasting your time reading articles like the ones you just read. If you are going through one of the above mentioned stages, I’d love to know how it went for you.
Ladies, if you need some ideas of your own, drop down a comment so that i know. I would love to furnish a fresh article for you.
you only wanted a piece of the heaven
when you thought you deserved it
but you never saw the bliss in front of you
because you thought thats not what you deserved
I loved a whore,
and she loved me back.
she was a wonderful person,
so I wont call her that.
We used to meet,
every other night.
so 5 months went by,
without a fight.
Until one day,
the pimp she abhorred.
broke and entered,
my bedroom door.
He flashed it boldly,
a smith and wesson.
and I grew pale,
and lost my expression.
He called for her,
in a pimpy way.
but she rebelled,
in a girly sway.
I stood for her,
in front, to be precise.
he got angry,
and cocked the device.
“Is this your last decision”
he said with loathe,
I said “yes it is”,
so he killed us both
Kyun Ruka hun mai yahan
kya rakha hai inn nazaron main?
Kyun bhul gaye mujhe sab yahan
mujhe laga mai hun hazaron mai
Kyun kai koshishon ke bawjood
meri haaar mujhe rulati hai
aadhi zindagi jii chuka hun mai
par ab aadhi zindagi baki hai
Kya dhund raha hun mai?
kiss cheez se milegi mujhe rahat
jin sabko chhod aaya hun peeche
unke saath ab chalne ki hai chahat
Jo chhoot gaye, woh rooth gaye
zindagi kitne rang dikhati hai
aadhi zindagi jii chuka hun mai
par ab adhi zindagi baaki hai.
With my dreams torn apart,
I don’t know when and where to start.
should I start listening to my head,
or just continue to stick to my heart?
There’s so much of this pain around,
that I can’t seem to stand my ground.
Could there be a ray of hope,
or am I gonna die and drown?
So many times I have been true,
whenever I tried to get close to you,
but these distances seem to remain the same,
what else would you have me do?
I can’t scream, I can’t shout
I open my mouth, the words won’t come out,
Could you help me see more meaning?
coz I have tried it all, without a doubt.
You didn’t have a reason to love me, and I didn’t give you a reason to hate.
You could have said what was in your heart, but now I don’t have a reason to wait.
It seemed our love could have been classic, when we kissed on our very first date.
It seemed to me that you were my destiny, and it seemed that it was our fate.
Initially i thought you loved me, but you were just trying to dictate.
Our discussion turned into arguments, from there it became a debate.
I was for the motion that i loved you, I made it clear like a chalk on a slate,
And you were on the other side, telling me that my love would abate.
So things have spiralled down now, my life is empty, it has no weight.
It wasn’t any better with you by my side, at least now, things are a bit more straight.
Polly just wanted a cracker,
but he was used by a bunch of fools
and polly got hurt so often,
‘coz polly always played by the rules.
Polly just wanted a cracker,
but he was shown the finger instead,
he was told to not have the cracker,
‘coz it wasnt baptised like the bread.
Now, polly can’t have the cracker,
but he longs to be with it,
polly’s relatives would laugh it seems,
if with the crackers he tries to commit.
If the fields were tended to in time,
and the seeds were placed correct
I could have reaped more than I have
and the fruits would be without defect.
The time came and it has passed
And the fruits will not yield
My life is empty, fruitless and barren
And barren is my field.
It isn’t too late to begin now
With all my might I will try
I’ll tend to my fields proper
and make sure the fruits multiply.
All I have to do now
Is to choose the right seeds
And wait for the time to come
When I’ll be rewarded for my deeds.